oodles of grace: The Voice

I recently shed the worst kind of tears--tears of regret. That familiar inner-voice told me to do something, to visit someone, but I muted it. A list of other important to-dos took its place.

The truth is I didn't want to visit this person. Her husband was a hospice patient and had died months before. While I had visited several times, providing a quiet presence and trying to comfort, I was weary of the depression, her inconsolable tears.

“You need to visit her,” the Voice whispered.

“I know, I know and I will. Not today, I have tons of paperwork and a new patient to assess.”

The next day, the Voice urged again, “You need to visit her."

“Yes, but my kids want to go to the pool. I need to get home early. I’ll go on Friday.”

The Voice was silent.

I called her on Friday morning but she didn’t answer. Relief, I’m off the hook.

A few hours later I received the call telling me she had died the night before, in her home, alone. Tears of regret, self-loathing and remorse erupted. Guilt rose from the pit of my stomach. The Voice was silent. Guilt tightened its grip, I cried out to the Voice to assuage my pain, to ease my conscience. The Voice was silent. Guilt smothered me.

Co-workers offered reassurance, “If you were supposed to have visited, you would have, God was in control.” The words fell on deaf ears as hot tears continued to fall. I was inconsolable. I could have seen her one last time. More importantly, I could have the confidence of knowing I listened to the Voice. I knew I had failed. I hushed a Voice that I should have heeded.

Now, a week later, I am released from my guilt. The Voice has finally spoken. He gave me the image of my patient and his wife dancing in each other’s arms. She looked over her shoulder at me and grinned. I knew what she was thinking. She couldn’t care less if she saw me one last time. She knows it wouldn't have changed her fate. It has, however, changed mine. Next time, I will refuse to mute the Voice. I will listen. I will obey.

8 comments:

DeeJuly 28, 2012 at 3:57 PM
Oh Susan, I have felt your guilt and remorse before. It is a terrible feeling. God is good to forgive. I to will listen...lesson learned.:)
Janet MartinJuly 28, 2012 at 11:09 PM
It is the worst regret when we know we've said 'no' to the Voice. I'm glad he sent you the gift of that image.

Thank-you for sharing this. I will remember it when I feel His nudge.

God Bless~
DeniseJuly 29, 2012 at 6:32 AM
I have often wondered how God feels when He is trying to communicate something important to me and I am not listening? I know He speaks to me frequently, but too many times I haven't listened. As Dee said, thank goodness He is good to forgive!

Thanks for this beautiful reminder; it is a blessing to start my day!

Blessings and love,
Denise
KimJuly 29, 2012 at 11:01 AM
As a social worker, I realize we tend to be in tune to hear the Voice pulling us outside the home toward our good works, and not tend to recognize the Voice pulling us back home for respite to stay good at what we do.... both for our clients and our loved ones. Perhaps you underestimate the value of the countless other visits to her prior to the one, guilt filled day, my sister in Christ.
Debbie PetrasJuly 29, 2012 at 11:44 AM
Susan, I can so identify! Whenever I do listen, I am blessed. I recently found a box with many of my journals from the many years I worked as a cardiovascular nurse specialist. I am using them to compile my stories and possibly self publish an eBook. I have one chapter that is about Vivian and how I listened to The Voice. I was able to share Christ with her and she died three days later. At her funeral, I was able to speak with her daughter-in-law and tell her. She cried and told me they had been praying for her salvation for years and didn't realize she had finally accepted Jesus. What tears of joy we shared that day.

Thank you for sharing your stories.

Blessings and love,
Debbie